Monday, January 31, 2005

All Together My Nuts

This interview with Bill Murray from 1999, it was supposed to be about his then-new book "My Life In Golf" but instead he told a story about going to Elvis' funeral that would make Greil Marcus eat his right-to-mythologize license.

Go now to Cocaine Blunts & Hip Hop Tapes and listen to Pregnant Pussy by UGK (1992 obscene rap artists). It's grosser than gross and deliriously so, like the South Park clip where Eric Cartman tells the nastiest joke ever, "The Aristocrats," like when you're 12 and suddenly your mind goes to that place where it's never been before and your Mom won't stop asking you why you're laughing for. In case it's hard for you to read, Bigtyme Records promo for UGK states:

"They Took Our Samples, They Took Our Hardness
They Took Our Friendship, So Ya Gotta Bring Nuts To Take Nuts
So Let's Let Our Nuts Hang Fellas And Get Paid Together"

I love you all right now.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Couldn't Care More

Call me a neo-con apologist but this makes her sound like the fucking smug, unhelpful distraction that she is.

$20,000 to be NASA's artist-in-residence. Yeah, I'd strike that from next year's budget too. We've got people to SEND TO MARS HERE. Can't let the dreamers of the world down now, can we?

What is she, smirking at me?

Friday, January 28, 2005

Staff 2001

This is how Dick Cheney was dressed when he spoke at the 60th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz. His ski cap says, "Staff 2001." Sure looks cold there.

Monday, January 24, 2005

The Trust Fund Independent

The beginning of a very good story, I assure you.

Fuck Texas, Part 1

Monday, January 17, 2005

Jim just said axe instead of ask.

"I just said axe!" he convulsed.

The Jack Johnson documentary was on, we'd been watching for hours.

"That's crazy!? I've never said axe before!"

Kings of the SEC... again.

As a Kentucky fan, it's becoming easier to root for Louisville for a number of reasons. First, since Kentucky snapped its 2-year losing streak against Pitino, cheering for a Louisville that knows its place as the Commonwealth's "little brother" is much easier than following last year's Louisville squad, who ripped a sure-thing victory from Kentucky's hands in Rupp despite the brilliant, last-minute 4-point-play by Gerald Fitch.

Secondly, and more important, imagining Louisville's season next year -- as one of four CUSA teams immigrating to the much stronger and more storied Big East -- gives the River City a greater national platform for airtime and recruiting.

The shuffling of the conferences has left the once-stable conference system into a dynamic free-for-all. The once solid groupings are now in fluid disarry. All this must inevitably beg the question: is the SEC the best fit for Kentucky?

Despite Kentucky's mediocre performances in the NCAA tournament since the 1998 championship, the Cats continue to dominate the SEC, which has continued to decline as a basketball conference. Has weak conference play weakened the Cats ability to compete for the national championship?

Kentucky continues to struggle to put 11 student athletes on the football field, making fools of the fans at Commonwealth Stadium over and over and over -- especially in conference play. Remember LSU? Yet, two months later, and it becomes Kentucky's job to carry the reputation of the entire conference. Where is Florida? Where is Alabama? Where is LSU, Arkansas, Georgia? In the toilet, that's where. To be fair, Mississippi State is hanging in at No. 19 despite their loss to Tennessee, and Alabama has a view of the field at No. 22. The two teams play each other this week.

Kentucky is the only SEC team in the Top Ten. The ACC has three.

The ACC fits Kentucky much better for both football and basketball. There is no question that the ACC puts a half dozen teams into serious March Madness contention every year, including, of course, our dear friends at Duke. And while the Blue Devils evoke more hatred and ire in Kentucky than Louisville and Tennessee together, is that any reason to not join their conference? The March match-ups of Kentucky and Duke in 1992 and 1998 are some of the best in both schools' histories. Why not two of these games a season instead of two per decade?

Duking it out with the heavy hitters of the ACC -- UNC, Wake Forest, Maryland, and Duke -- would make the Cats a stronger team come March, and would make a conference title mean something instead of being just another banner hanging from the rafters of Rupp.

And it wouldn't make football season so excrutiating. Kentucky and Duke had identical football records this season (1-7 in the conference, 2-9 overall). What a great conference football rivalry that would be: thousands of fans wearing blue -- all waiting in the cold for basketball season to start.